


Stay

by sonictrowel



Series: Long Night in the Blue House [83]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: !!!, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotions, F/F, F/M, Family Feels, Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 06:52:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11800731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonictrowel/pseuds/sonictrowel
Summary: The dark violet dusk had given way to deep burnt orange when their hodge-podge family emerged from the shadow of the Citadel.





	Stay

**Author's Note:**

> this is the only chapter of this story I've actually cried while writing.

_He hadn’t exactly meant to, but he was kissing her again before he knew it._

Zip.

_Though they’d obviously travelled, he was having difficulty caring about seeing where they’d ended up._

_Someone cleared their throat._

_They broke apart, the Doctor’s cheeks burning, and when his eyes scanned the room the first thing they landed on was a mass of gold curls._

_“She’s you!” he shouted hastily, as the very same words left the original River’s mouth._

_As his brows furrowed in confusion, he took in the fact that she was seated rather cosily in the blonde Time Lady’s lap._

_“Wait, what?!” he and River cried in unison._

_Milly burst into giggles._

 

“Oh, are we swapping for the night?” Ginger River asked casually.  “I’m afraid that leaves our dear Dandy Doctor in the uncomfortable position of having to choose a side.  You know what I’d ordinarily say, but three’s company, five’s… something else entirely.”

Milly groaned and covered Athena’s ears, the Fop choked on air, and the woman who was curled up with River sighed in fond exasperation.  

“Oh my god,” River said breathlessly, scrabbling to her feet.  “You _are_ me.  How?!”

“Do this, honey,” the Doctor said, and held up a hand, letting just a little tingle of regeneration energy come to the surface.  It had yet to really start building up again, thankfully.

River looked at her palm for a moment, probably not quite remembering how to tap into it since it’d been so long.  Then, suddenly, her hand flared up, glowing with wisps of gold.

“Oh my god!” she gasped again.  “H-how, how did this happen?”

“Bill,” the Doctor said, beaming at her.  “She said there was a bit missing, so she just… put it back.”

“Oh,” River breathed, “we are _definitely_ keeping her.”

“Agreed,” he replied.

 _“Well!”_ she said, blatantly admiring her future self, “this _is_ a pleasant surprise.  And I do like the hair, that would’ve been a worry.  Really, very nice.  Are you thinking of aging up at all, though?”

“You know, I wasn’t, but now seeing it from the outside, you do have a point,” the future River replied appreciatively.

The Doctor shook his head, failing to stifle an amused smile.  They were clearly about to descend into an endless spiral of flirting.  Only she could be a match for herself.

They’d travelled into a spare meeting room; one of the nicer ones, the Doctor thought.  It was designed to function more as a lounge for visiting dignitaries than for formal, collar-bedecked affairs.  It looked like everyone had been settled in for a while on the plush rug: the young Doctor was seated across from Athena and Milly, and there were empty teacups scattered about.

“If _she_ would only stop it with the baby faces,” Ginger River lamented.

Oh, yes, and then there was her.

“So, so, back up a moment,” the Doctor said, looking between both of his wife before pointing to the Time Lady formerly known as Thevros, “she’s…?”

The Rivers grinned at him.

“Er, surprise!” the woman in question cheered uncertainly, waggling her fingers in the air.

“...Yeah, ah, understatement,” he squeaked, walking over for a closer look.

Big hazel eyes, sort of goofy smile, oversized coat.  Northern again.  If it weren’t for her being so young too, it wouldn’t be _quite_ as much of a shocking change, but taken all together, it certainly was a lot.

“Yeah, y’know, that _is_ a bit menacin’,” she said after a moment.

“I know,” the Fop said, “he _looms.”_

“And it’s the eyebrows,” she added.

The Doctor huffed.  “So... just wanted to go in the total opposite direction, basically?” he asked.  “Being me wasn’t _so_ … well… it, it got better towards the end.”

“Oh, don’t take it personally,” she scoffed.  “Might not be random, but hell if I know how it works.”

“I— uh… hm.”  The Doctor scratched the back of his head and dragged his hand forward, leaving his hair standing on end.  He looked back and forth between his selves on one side of him and his wives on the other.

“...Well,” he finally said to the Rivers, clearing his throat and flushing slightly, “...as long as you don’t mind.”

___

They decided on not staying long enough to require the offered rooms in the Citadel.  Otherwise, the Doctor suspected, an awkward situation such as Ginger River had suggested _was_ actually likely to arise, and frankly, things were plenty weird enough already.  

The President eventually returned with her retinue, confirming that all visible Matrix prophecies had been altered from their bleak course.

“I hope we can move on from this… difficult chapter,” she said.  “...And that next time I see you, there will be only one of each of you.”

The Doctor snorted.  “You’ve just as much right to sore feelings as I do.  And I’d rather be friends.  You’re certainly an improvement on Rassilon.  Who… I’d still be on the lookout for, just, generally.  Doesn’t tend to stay gone, in spite of all logic.”

“Yes, I’ve known a few people who fit that description,” she said drily.

—

The dark violet dusk had given way to deep burnt orange when their hodge-podge family emerged from the shadow of the Citadel.  Clouds were moving in, obscuring the bright stars with a gauzy haze.  

When they arrived out on the plain where the TARDIS had been parked, only one was remaining.

The future Doctor picked up her nav-comm.  “Oi, where’d you park the TARDIS?” she demanded.

After a bit of static, a voice said, “It was Nardole’s idea.”

“I-is that _me?”_ Athena asked.

“There is nowhere to get ice cream on this planet, is there?” the one on the nav-comm continued.

“No, it’s basically rubbish,” the future Doctor said, shooting Athena a smile, which quickly turned to consternation as she turned back to the communicator.  “Hang on, were you just lookin’ for ice cream while we were in existential peril?!  Just cause you’d already seen how it goes!—” she sighed.  “Bring her round, please, and switch the chameleon circuit if you haven’t already, cause she’s really gonna be cross with me.  And put Nardole on so I can yell at him.”

“So, is that our next stop?” the Doctor asked.  “Rescuing Nardole?”

Ginger River, who’d essentially latched onto the Fop as soon as they started to discuss leaving, frowned.  “Not the next one, no.  We can’t remember any of this happening the first time,” she said, looking between the Doctor and her younger self.  “We knew Athena had already been.  She remembers.  Didn’t know we’d been here too.  It’s all a little fuzzy, in between the Library and…” she trailed off, and pulled the Fop closer.

“I know,” he said quietly, rubbing his hand over hers.  “I’ve got to be getting back home.”

Silence fell over the group, and River squeezed the Doctor’s fingers, blinking back tears.

“It’s alright,” the young Doctor said, smiling weakly.  “It’s worth it.  And— you…” he looked to Milly and swallowed visibly before he went on in a faltering voice, “you remembered me, right?”

Her face crumpled and she stepped forward to throw her arms around him.  “Of course I do, Dad,” she said, muffled into his coat.  

River drew in a sharp breath before moving in to join Milly and her older self in surrounding him.

The Doctor blinked to clear his annoyingly blurry vision, glancing at his future version and Athena, who both had wobbly lips and wet eyes.  He wrapped his arm around Athena’s shoulders and she leaned against him, sniffing.

The other TARDIS’s brakes screeched as it blinked into space next to his, blue once again.  Nardole’s head poked out of the door, mouth already open to speak, when he took in the scene and hesitated, his face falling.

“Ooh,” he said dismally, “everyone’s crying.  We could just pop off for ice cream from Earth and come back…”

“Oh, shut up and let them be, Nardole,” Athena’s voice called from inside the TARDIS.

The Athena tucked against the Doctor’s side gasped quietly.

“Bit weird, right?” he asked under his breath.

“Yeah,” she said, letting out a little puff of laughter.

“How d’you think _I_ feel right now?”

She laughed in earnest at that, wiping her eyes.   _“Really_ weird.”

“Mmhm.”

“Hey, um, me,” the older Doctor said, moving over to stand beside him.  “What’re you thinking, about getting Nardole?”

“Well, uh, I can’t _just_ get him.  We’re not stuck on the inside now.  I can get help, backup, and come back in right after we… well… left isn’t quite the word.  I can operate from outside the time distortion.  I’ve got to evacuate everyone who’s still alive without getting sucked in.”

She nodded.  “Good.  And I know you won’t remember much of this, but you’ve got to remember one thing.  Go back to the level you’ve already cleared.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise, glancing over at her, but she was looking ahead at their younger self, caught in a group cuddle.

“What, where I— died?  What for?  It’s blown to bits.”

She shrugged.  “Might be somethin’ there you missed.”

She put an odd sort of emphasis on the last word.  He opened his mouth to ask what she meant, but she stepped forward then and put her arms around Milly and Ginger River’s shoulders, leaning in to speak in her wife’s ear.

Time to go.

___

The Doctor, River and the Fop said their goodbyes to each other’s future selves with the minimum amount of weirdness they could manage.  It was just one of those sort of days when they wound up snogging each other in front of each other.  Of all the strange side-effects of their time-scrambled marriage, really, it wasn’t the worst.

And, at least, he was encouraged by his wife’s clear enthusiasm for his next incarnation that she really did not mind the change.

But saying goodbye to Mils was hard.

“Thanks for everything, kiddo,” he said as he hugged her tight.  “I think we’ve still got some work to do on the past, but…”

“Yeah, you’ll have to wait til it comes back the long way round,” she said.  “You made me come with you and do this ridiculous glowing rock thing in a damn cave—”

“Oh!  Quick, tell me, how’d I do that?”

“Oh no, no more bootstrap rubbish.  I’m doing all the work here!”

He chuckled.  “Fine, fair enough.  But tell me this.  I’m about to go meet you.  Any tips?  I want to make a good impression.”

“Nah,” she said, grinning.  “Just be yourself.  They’re all good.”

“I can’t believe you’re going to be a baby,” Athena sniffed.  “It’s alright for you, I’m…right in there.  What am I supposed to do with you?  Who’s going to make fun of me for not knowing any pop culture?”

“Oh, don’t worry, Bill can do that,” Milly laughed.  “Just consider this an opportunity for mutual sibling corruption.  And besides, I’m really cute.  You’ll love me.”  

Athena laughed, and River wrapped Milly in a bruisingly-tight embrace, tears streaming over her cheeks.  “I’m very lucky to be your mum, you know?  And lucky I got to be friends with both of you before I even knew you were mine.”

She kissed Milly’s head and leaned back, sniffing and putting on a smile.  “And to drive your dad spare making you archaeologists, of course.”

The Doctor shrugged as River regretfully released Milly and immediately leaned into him for comfort.

“I think I’m learning to cope with it,” he said hoarsely.

___

They swung by the Antarctic to pick up the Fop’s TARDIS.

“Why here?” River asked.  “Why didn’t she just take you both straight to Gallifrey if she wanted you to meet up?”

“Well, you’re welcome to ask her, dear, she doesn’t tend to answer me very clearly,” the Doctor replied.

He’d been curious about that bit, too.  Of course he’d noticed the coordinates when he pulled the fast return switch: 1986, and not far at all from the Snowcap base.  That was not a place he wanted to visit again.

But.  It was alright.  Bill was Bill again, and he had plenty of time to recruit help and figure out a plan to take out the rest of the Cybermen on that ship.  The horrors of Mondas didn’t bear thinking of right now.

There was something far worse he had to face.

___

When he and Athena turned up on Vastra’s doorstep along with River and the Fop, he thought for a moment that Jenny might faint.  But, as always, she recovered quickly and welcomed them all in.

Baby Milly was playing with Strax, which mostly seemed to involve her chucking blocks at his head.  He was clearly enjoying himself.

She was definitely puzzled by her mummy and daddy and some strange old man crying over her.

They stayed only long enough to offer their thanks and goodbyes.  They had to get back to Baker Street.

“Everyone’s treating me as if I’m going to die,” the young Doctor said, forcing a humourless smile when the door shut behind them.  “I’m only going to forget.  I’ll still be here tomorrow.  Just not…”  He trailed off, unable to finish.  River leaned her head on his shoulder as they walked down the street.

Milly was tolerating being held by the new attack-eyebrowed stranger in her life quite well, though the Doctor hadn’t had a chance yet to properly introduce himself.  As they arrived at the TARDISes, he put his hand on River’s shoulder.

“I’ll take the girls and meet you two over at Baker Street, honey.”  

The look on his poor younger self’s face made it more than worth the thoughts he was surely going to have about how long a detour they would take on the way.  River kissed him, thinking _thank you love you thank you,_ and then hugged Athena and kissed Milly’s head before following the Fop into his TARDIS.

Inside his own TARDIS, the Doctor took a moment to touch his forehead to Milly’s, giving her a little nudge, mind to mind.

“Hallo Amelia,” he said.  “Do you know me?”

“Daddy,” she said slowly, looking him up and down as if reconciling this new information with the incongruous visual.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t get too used to this one either, sweetheart,” he said as he walked up to the console.

“Lot of goodbyes from Mom for an instantaneous trip,” Athena remarked as she sat down on a jump seat.

“Oh, well, lots you can do in an instant.  Lots of places you can go.”

“That must be difficult for you.”  

Smart kid he had.

“It’s much worse for him.  And he’s me.”

“Do you remember it?” she asked.

“I remember being him.  And I remember being him with your mum, and when your sister here was born, all of that,” he said, smiling fondly down at little Mils.  She was looking round the TARDIS with wide, curious eyes, no doubt appreciating his superior decorating scheme.  

“We were really happy.  It was worth it.”

Athena was watching him sympathetically.  He flashed her a smile.

“Everything after he met me, though, that’s a wash.  And now that _I’ve_ met a later me, and your mum’s met a later her, that’s all going to go as well.  You’ll be the only one who really remembers how things went on Gallifrey.  Soon, for us, it’ll all be sort of a grey area.  It’s only the last one there who gets to keep the memories.  I’m sure that’s why you didn’t pop out of the TARDIS to say hello to yourself.”

“It’s so hard to wrap my head around it all.”

“Yeah,” he cranked the throttle up and back down, the brakes wheezing just long enough to hop them across town.  “But the good news is, this is just about the end of the timey-wimeyness for us.”

Athena giggled.  “Timey-wimey?  I think Milly used to say that.”

He suddenly felt the lost time stretching out between them and his hearts seemed to squeeze painfully in his chest.

“You know, kitten, I… I know you’re all grown up now.  And you’ll want to have a life of your own, to travel or work or study or, or whatever it is you want to do for the moment.  To go out and meet people and do all the things you couldn’t do when you were stuck in the past in New York or on Luna thinking you were human...  But the TARDIS is a pretty big place, and it can take you anywhere and anytime you want to go.  So staying… doesn’t mean as much as it might do, otherwise.  Doesn’t mean we always have to be getting in your way, or anything, but, what I mean is… we, we’d love it if you stayed.”

“Yeah, of course I will,” she said, smiling at him like he was being very thick.  She looked just like River then.

“Oh,” the Doctor let out a breath, shifting Milly in his arms as he relaxed in relief.  “Good.”

He hesitated for a moment, lost for words.  

“Well, ah, we’d better get inside.  We’ll… we’ll have to pack up your mum’s things and Milly’s room, so they’re not there when he gets up in the morning.”

“Oh.  This is so sad,” Athena whispered.

“I know,” he said, smiling despite the lump in his throat.  “Keep thinking how I want to see the poor sod get his happy ending, except he’s me and I’m here and this is it.  I’ve got it.  But I still have to pack up their things and take them back from myself.”

“But Mom understands, though, right?  That you’re the same, that it all turned out okay.”

“Oh, she understands that better than I ever will,” he said, as Athena followed him out of the TARDIS and into the sitting room at 107 Baker Street.  “Half the time she’s the only reason I can tell who the hell I am.  When you get to be as old as me, you need… something, someone.  Someone much stronger and kinder and better than you, to be an anchor to yourself.  To remind you how to be who you are and not get lost.  Even when she was gone, that was your mum.  Always.”

Milly rested her head against his chest and let out a yawn.  It was probably past her bedtime.

TARDIS brakes sounded through the house, and the Fop’s ship materialised in the front hall.  They walked in just as he and River emerged, hand in hand.

“She’s getting sleepy,” he said, passing Milly into his younger self’s arms and leaning in to kiss River’s cheek.  “Better spend some time with her now.  Athena and me can start getting her things together.”

 —

The sun was rising when they said their last goodbyes.  They’d put Milly down to sleep in Athena’s old room, and Athena had just finally gone to bed in Milly’s old room.  It had been a long day and night.

“You two really shouldn't be upset,” the Fop said, shaking his head at them and smiling as he sat down on the edge of the bed.  “I’m going to wait a very long time to be you, so when I finally am I don’t particularly want to spend our first day back together feeling sorry for myself.”

“Yeah, well, too bad,” the Doctor said.  “I already did.”

“Honestly, you were done being me a long time ago.  And I… I won’t know what I’m missing.  Small mercies.”

“You’re a terrible liar,” the Doctor grumbled.  “You know we never get done with being anyone, not really.  And you know when the memories go… they always leave something behind.”

_People fall out of the world sometimes, but they always leave traces, little things you can't quite account for: faces in photographs, luggage, half-eaten meals... rings._

“Even so,” said the younger Doctor.  “Don’t spoil it.  Be happy.”

The Doctor smiled.  “We will.”

River was pressing her lips together, her eyes red and wet, not even attempting speech.

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” the Doctor said, standing from the bench at the foot of the bed and dropping a kiss on her head.

She smiled tearfully up at him.

He took a last look at himself from the doorway of the TARDIS.  River was gripping his hand as he lay back on the bed.  She’d close up all his memories of her and Milly and the past two years, and when he woke, it would all be a dream, taunting him with depths he could _feel_ but never see, never touch.

The Doctor walked down the corridor to their bedroom and collapsed onto the bed.  In his centuries of fantasies of getting River back, it had pretty much gone directly from Library to bed every time.  Now he was aching from head to toe, exhausted in every possible way, and somehow feeling simultaneously like he’d gotten the news of a friend’s death and like he was reliving the giddy joy of their wedding night.  He was too tired to untangle his feelings.

He kicked off his shoes and, with great effort, sat up enough to fight his way out of his destroyed coat.  He’d forgotten, a bit, that the last time he’d ‘slept’ he’d been dead.  The singed and frayed edges to every bit of clothing he removed seemed like out-of-place traces of some distant dream.  So much had happened since then.  His fingers felt clumsy and shaky as he fumbled with unbuttoning his waistcoat, so he didn’t even bother trying the shirt.  Maybe she’d help him.  His hearts leapt in his chest, beating in a sudden erratic staccato.

It was sooner than he expected when he heard the time rotor whir into action.  She didn’t land; River must have just taken them into the Vortex to get away from Baker Street.

A minute or so later, she appeared in the doorway.

Lost for words, the Doctor pulled himself up against the headboard and watched as she shut the door behind her and began to undress for bed.  The quiet, sharp sound of that lock clicking into place had set his hearts fluttering madly.  Seeing her moving about their room again, throwing her clothes everywhere, actually using her things that had been preserved like a shrine, untouched— it was almost too wonderful to bear.  Too real.  Too perfect.

“How are you, sweetheart?” he asked gently.

She smiled at him, pained but genuine.  “Confused.  Devastated, grateful... so happy.  So furiously in love with you I can hardly breathe.”

“Oh, good,” he croaked.  “We match.”

She climbed into bed and over him, slowly and with exaggerated care, never looking away from his face. The Doctor’s weak hands reached for her as she lowered herself into his lap.  He just managed not to completely fall to pieces at the feeling of her warm weight settling over him, gripping her hip with one hand as he raised the other to her face.  Every point of contact between them was shooting sparks up his spine and making his eyes well up annoyingly and he hoped it only _felt_ like he was shaking.  

“You were right, you know,” River said, sliding her small, strong, wonderful hands over his chest, up to his shoulders. “Stupid to be upset.  That’s over, and now we’ve finally gotten to the good bit.”

“I remember it all,” he said, voice wobbling treacherously like the rest of him.  “I remember how happy we were, how fucking badly I wanted to keep you, and knowing that if I did, I’d never have had you in the first place.”

“I wanted to stay,” she whispered, her voice thick with tears.  “Every time I’ve ever left, all I wanted was to stay with you.”

“Well,” the Doctor said, swallowing and stroking his trembling hand over her cheek, “here I am.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Is that it?!?! Not completely. There'll be an epilogue, but I think I'm going to let this sit for a while and think about what I want it to include. Can't thank you all enough for staying with me through this crazy-long thing :)


End file.
